Howards End

62 hours of pure joy; for little more than a large whiskey. 62 hours of not wasting precious funds on booze, to be told; "Vapers Not Welcome". Is it any wonder that a record number of so called "pubs", closed last month? Truth is, there are hardly any real "boozers" left - ever since John Prescott declared "we are all middle class now", and 10 years after that introduced the ban on smoking as the ultimate coup de grace, so that people could take their kids into pubs (is that really wise in any case? We aint French after all). People, you get what you deserve, and I'm off to Howards End to write my memoirs, starting with a War & Peace sized chapter on how successive governments, (and publicans) have let us down in the name of greed and snobbery! Over and out. 

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A Letter To The Editor (2007)

Dear Editor, As was to be expected, there has been much written in recent weeks concerning the recently imposed ban on smoking in public places, and I would like to take the opportunity through your excellent, unbiased and campaigning newspaper, to say how much my life, and the the lives of my friends and family have changed since it’s overdue inception. Firstly, I no longer need to worry about dying of cancer, and have naturally cancelled my monthly donation to Cancer Research, as it is quite plainly no longer required. Hooray! I will live to be 100 years old and will receive my birthday card from King Billy, or maybe even King Harold (ooh, doesn’t he look like his father, bless him)! Who’d have even considered such a thing before this excellent act of parliament came into force? Also, I no longer need to put up with secondhand smoke when I visit my local pub. Come to think of it, I no longer have to put up…

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